Some days it feels like you wake up in the middle of an argument you don’t remember starting. Two parts of you squared off before your feet even hit the floor, one pushing, one resisting, and both absolutely certain they’ve got the better argument.
If you’ve ever stared at your screen while an invisible committee debates your entire existence, you’re in familiar territory. Most people assume this is a motivation problem. It usually isn’t. It’s almost always a listening issue, the kind we don’t learn how to identify.
The Real Problem: You’re Wrestling With Voices You’ve Never Properly Met
When clients tell me, “I don’t know why I keep sabotaging myself,” it’s rarely sabotage. More often, there’s a scared part gripping the brakes while another part slams the gas.
These parts aren’t enemies. They’re more like overworked employees, each trying, sometimes clumsily, to protect you in the only way they know how.
- The achiever who keeps you sharp.
- The avoider who just wants you out of the line of fire.
- The exhausted one who wants a break before everything collapses.
- And sometimes there’s that grumpy part that just wants to walk outside and not talk to anyone for an hour.
Without realizing it, you treat them like intruders instead of teammates. And that’s when people start searching for answers, IFS coaching, Internal Family Systems coaching, anything that promises a little clarity in the chaos.
The conflict itself isn’t the real issue. It’s the disconnection underneath it, the way your parts quit talking to each other.
The Reframe: Listening Creates Alignment Faster Than Willpower Ever Will
There’s a moment in this work when someone stops arguing with a part and simply asks, “What are you afraid will happen?”
Things soften. Maybe not instantly, but you can usually feel something loosen, even if it’s small.
Most protectors aren’t trying to block your life from moving forward; they’re trying to keep something tender from getting hurt again. When you actually listen, their strategies relax. They trust you more. And once they trust you, your system begins to settle around a clearer center, the Self.
This isn’t about letting the loudest part win. It’s about leadership, the quiet, grounded kind that starts on the inside.
When you lead with curiosity, the volume inside lowers. And in that quieter space, choices feel less like emergencies and more like something you can actually approach.
A Simple Practice for This Week
Next time you feel that inner tug-of-war:
- Pause for a single breath.
- Ask, “Who in me is struggling right now?”
- Let the answer come without rushing in to fix anything. Just hear it out.
- Thank that part for trying to help.
- Notice what eases, even a half-inch of space counts.
It’s surprising how these small internal conversations can open up real space.
Coming Home to Yourself
Stopping the fight isn’t about forcing yourself into compliance. It’s about building a relationship, an honest one, with your own mind.
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not the only one trying to find your footing inside. This is the work I do through Internal Family Systems coaching.
If this stirred something in you, call me at 415-869-0411. It’s the kind of work I sit with people in every day.
