Ever try to make a decision and immediately feel a tiny civil war break out inside your chest? One part says, “Do the responsible thing.” Another part whispers, “Yeah… but what about joy?” Suddenly, you’re pacing around the kitchen, staring at a half-eaten apple like it might weigh in on the vote.
A client once told me his “inner board meeting had devolved into a food fight,” and then added, “My inner CFO is still wiping mashed potatoes off his glasses.” I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did, because I’ve been there.
You might know that moment: the tug, the stall, the quiet dread of being of two (or three) minds at once.
Anyway, let’s zoom out for a second.
The Real Problem: It’s Not Indecision, It’s Internal Disagreement
Most people think this is a discipline problem. Or a confidence problem. Or, on a bad day, an ‘I am personally failing at life’ problem.
But what’s really happening is simpler, and much kinder. You have parts of you with different jobs and different fears, and perhaps one part that just wants to lie down under a blanket until the whole situation blows over.
One wants safety. Another wants expansion. One really wants to keep the peace. And one is basically filing a complaint about being awake at all, probably before you’ve had coffee.
When those parts stop trusting each other, you feel torn. When they stop talking altogether, you feel stuck.
This shows up everywhere. Career decisions, relationships, midlife choices, burnout… even that moment when you’re brushing your teeth and suddenly reconsider your entire year.
It’s not that you “can’t” decide. It’s that your internal crew hasn’t agreed on what actually matters.
A Reframe: Inner Conflict Is a Sign of Intelligence, Not Failure
Here’s the shift that surprises people in Internal Family Systems coaching: your conflict is trying to protect you.
That anxious voice? Protecting you. That ambitious one? Same. That skeptical one who questions everything? Also trying to help, even if its delivery could use some work. They just have different strategies, and none of them want you hurt.
When you start listening instead of fighting, something softens. It stops being a courtroom drama and starts feeling more like a roundtable.
Sometimes I’ll ask a client, “If these parts could sit around a table, like an actual meeting, what would each one say?”
Then there’s a breath. A pause long enough to hear something real. Clarity doesn’t show up as a lightning bolt. It shows up as cooperation.
I say that like it’s easy, it’s not. But it’s doable.
Try This—It’s Small, But Weirdly Helpful
Take one decision you’re struggling with. Then ask: “Who in me disagrees, and what are they trying to protect?”
Don’t analyze. Don’t fix. Just listen the way you’d listen to someone you care about. You’re not looking for a winner. You’re looking for something closer to a partnership.
Before You Go…
You don’t have to wrestle yourself into agreeing with yourself. You just need your inner crew walking in roughly the same direction.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. This is the work I help people with every week.
Ready to end the internal food fight? Call me at 415-869-0411 to schedule your consultation.
